The Paradox of Intimacy

Letters to a friend #28- Why the people we love bring out the best and worst out of us

Dear Friend,

Why do the people we love invoke such extreme emotions, whether it’s immense care or sudden, simmering frustration? It seems the more we care about someone, the more intense our feelings become. That’s expected with love and joy, but it's interesting that it’s just as true for anger and irritation. Whenever I come home, it’s almost guaranteed that one of my siblings and I will get into some kind of petty argument. These disagreements wouldn’t happen with anyone else, but with them, the smallest thing can escalate into something disproportionate. I think this intensity comes from vulnerability. With loved ones, we let our emotional guard down. We also hold a quiet expectation that they should just get us, without explanation. So when there’s an argument, it doesn’t just feel like a misunderstanding; it feels like a failure of recognition. It’s as if they don’t truly see us, even though we’ve shown them so much. This messiness and the disproportionate reactions, the high expectations, and the frictions are all proof of how much we care. It shows how deeply we’ve invested in someone. Whether it’s family, friends, or a partner, emotional closeness always comes with a side of chaos. And yet, this paradox is also what makes our relationships so rich. True intimacy demands that we loosen control, reveal our unfiltered selves, and accept the risk that we might be misunderstood. A casual acquaintance could say something similar, and we’d brush it off. But with a loved one, it cuts deeper, not because they meant harm, but because we’ve let them in. So when you find yourself bickering over something small with someone you care about, remember this: it’s not distance that causes the friction, it’s closeness. And that’s something rare.

That’s all for now; I hope your week was fantastic and that this helped you dive a little deeper beneath the surface!

Best,

Yusuf Malik